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WORLD EXCLUSIVE
Hail to the Chief?
Archbishop Dmitri endorsed for
college presidency

Following an introduction of the special guests in attendance at the head table, His Eminence began his address in a humble, yet convicted manner. Through a seven point plan, the Most Reverend Dmitri expressed his vision for a Mississippi College under Orthodox rule. In His Eminence's opinion, many problems that plague our campus today would be alleviated under his administration. Most notable of the solutions:

1. Lack of funds: Many cutbacks would be made to the college's budget to get us back on track financially. Since most Orthodox services are conducted by candlelight, the need for electricity in the classroom would be passé. All "artificial voice projection" devices would be sold, including microphones, speakers, sound monitors, and even musical instruments. In the view of Dr. Maureen Bezuhly-Galterio, Chair of the new Vocal Music department, the human voice will become the only musical instrument "par excellance." A large range of acapella courses will be provided.

2. Parking: Since the Orthodox way of life discourages dependence on man-made inventions, students would be encouraged to greatly limit their use of cars on campus. More bike racks, however, will be installed around the residence halls.

3. Student suicide: Perhaps themost exciting of the proposals comes in the abolishment of "CSC 144: Introduction to Computer Science" from the core curriculum. Student suicide rates across campus will experience a tremendous drop-off on account of this decision. Truth be known, the Orthodox do not hold computers and technology in high regard.

Following a rousing ovation from all in attendance, the Archbishop's cabinet and running mates were introduced including: Fr. Paul Yerger, VP of Academic Occurrences (formerly Academic "Affairs", which sounded too controversial) Fr. Andrew Tregubov, Chair of Orthodox Christian discoveries dept. (formerly Christian studies) Rev. Milorad Milosevich, Chair of Oral Communications dept. (formerly Mass Comm.)

Amidst all of these pending changes, there are many elements from the previous New Dawn campaign that will make the transition: the carpet in the Grand Hall (which features a "majestic and almost mosaic" design) and the domes atop the Rotunda and New Women's (the "spacious, all-embracing ceilings").

If the Most Reverend has his way, the Orthodox would join a rich legacy of religious denominations that have held control of the college, including the Presbyterians (1824 to 1850) and the Baptists (1850 to the present).

"The tumultuous winds of change are once again blowing through the city of Clinton," declared the candidate. "Who will join us in our cries for a new institution, where faith and learning are not just valued, but are EXALTED?" -- Grandmaster Sexay

Disclaimer: The Whittington Weekly is an unofficial student page, in no way related to the official Mississippi College home page. The stories contained within this site are meant for humor and satire purposes only and attempt to bring to the surface some of the lighter aspects of campus life. The writers/students have the utmost respect for the  faculty and staff and appreciate all of their hard work to better our education. Remember, parody is the highest form of flattery. Any coincidental resemblance to the truth is predominantly fleeting.

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